A Guide for Very Professional Men
For some good, Christian men — businessmen, politicians, sexist scumbags— following the ‘Billy Graham’ rule may not be enough to keep out of troublesome situations with the ladies. For you, gentlemen, I’ve written this guide with a few simple to follow rules to make sure there’s no chance of any accusations of impropriety. (Actual impropriety doesn’t matter, it’s the appearance of it we want to avoid!)
First of all, you must never look at a woman. You might notice her hands, or her breasts, or even her face — which bears far too much resemblance to your own human one! Looking at a woman is basically the same as wanting to sleep with her, which is basically the same as actually sleeping with her. I know what you’re thinking gentlemen, and I agree. It’s the woman’s fault. She’s probably wearing clothes, with her own body under them — how dare she, truly I’m appalled — or she might smile at you, which is clearly flirting and absolutely inappropriate in any workplace despite the near constant messaging for women to be friendlier and smile more. In a perfect world we women would keep ourselves from ever falling into the eye line of a man to whom we are not permanently yoked — husbands don’t count, obviously, as then it is our duty to look appealing for them. But until that day, it is the man’s noble burden to keep his eyes turned elsewhere.
You may worry this makes it difficult to hold a conversation with a woman. It absolutely does!
But that’s not a problem, because second of all, you must never talk to a woman. What could we possibly have to say that a man couldn’t say better? We may have left our rightful places in our homes in squawking droves to invade the workforce, but that doesn’t mean you have to dignify this nonsense by treating us like people. If a woman tries to speak up, always talk over her. If she tells you she has an idea you can listen, but only so you can present it as your own later after she’s been ignored by the rest of the team. Even if the idea has potential — or is much better than anything you had thought of up to that point — it needs to spend some time in a man’s brain. Really let it marinate in those masculine juices. And if it turns out to be bad, it was her fault, and it’s the woman’s job to clean up after you anyway, right? Let her fix it. If a woman ever tries to come up and talk to you — and why wouldn’t she, you’re an intelligent, virile man after all — just nod politely until she stops going on about clothes or make-up or her kids, probably. Women think men don’t listen (other women of course, not me ), but the truth is women don’t say anything worthwhile. Except when one has a good idea that you have to co-opt, obviously, but then really you’re just helping her grow. Maybe one day she’ll move up from under-secretary to actual secretary, and won’t that be nice to her? Never let the shrill voice coming out of her face hole distract you from rule number one, though. Just one lapse and you might accidentally make eye contact and be overcome with lust.
Third of all, it’s important to stick to the basics: you must never be alone with a woman who is not your wife. Or your mistress. Or any other woman you are sexually interested in. Obviously sex is the only reason a man and a woman should ever be alone together. If someone finds out you were alone with a woman they will immediately suspect something untoward has happened, even if it was only for a moment and even if the woman was there in a strictly professional capacity. You must impose this rule on all women, but it is never your responsibility to enforce it. If a woman wants to spend time with you, for any reason, she must bring a male chaperone. Obviously it must be a male chaperone because being alone with two women would cause your colossal sexual appetites to overcome you with all the force of an erupting volcano and then it would only be their fault if you wound up having sex with one or both of them or another random woman later that reminded you of one of them. A male chaperone can also put the public’s mind at ease should any allegations be made. After all, who will the public believe — one woman with a story and credible evidence, or two honest, professional men? Your qualifications — simply being men — will speak for themselves.
This becomes increasingly important when more and more women are speaking out about abusive men, telling completely true tales about completely horrible men that rarely impact them negatively for very long. Women lie, of course, and you don’t want to give them a situation where they can make up a story about you. Despite having to take absurd precautions to keep yourself under control you are of course always able to keep yourself under control and anything a woman might say to the contrary is vicious slander.
So remember gentleman: never look at a woman, never talk to a woman, never be alone with a woman. Follow these simple rules and you’ll never have any female trouble in the workplace. The alternative is to treat the women the same as you treat men — with respect — and that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Who do we think we are — people?
